he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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