how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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