I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
