i wish my penis had a tongue
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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