cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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