Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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