I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
should my penis look like a turkey
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
