sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
