In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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