Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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