I bet he comes in French.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
