After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just want nice things and good sex
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
