Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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