You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
