Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
