As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
