he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
