apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think my moral compass just broke
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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