At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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