During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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