Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
