She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
