i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
