Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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