Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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