This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
false alarm, still single
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
