i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
