Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
