i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
