How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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