I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
