This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
