So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
where are my eyebrows?
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