Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
