did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize