god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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