oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
