Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
