having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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