I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
