i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
