I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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