Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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