Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
