I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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