Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
