It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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