It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
