Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
