I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
