My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
