So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize