You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
