True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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