im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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