i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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