census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
