i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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