Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize