I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
