U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
