i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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