my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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