meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
