I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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