Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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