I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
