Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
